What if I just move all my stuff into the closet and make that my cave? I can be anxious and depressed in there. Yes?
I worry too much. I need to change this.
I’m still waiting to hear back from all the insurance people about the liability outcome of my accident. (it was her fault, so…what’s taking so long?) I don’t have a car, and it sucks, especially trying to work. It’s just annoying and inconvenient.
I’m also still waiting to hear back from the doctor. They did three blood tests on me, and I worry about the outcome. Nuff said.
I’m trying to get a new job and, for certain recreational reasons that help me eat, will most definitely get in the way. The joys of being me.
I have zero appetite. My tummy is hungry, but I am not, if that makes any sense. I hate having to force feed myself. Also annoying.
All these things. I’m just bitching. Gotta vent it out somehow, so here it all goes, nice and neat, text filled bitching.
I am the source of bad luck for the world. That can be the only reason things happen the way they do.
I was on my way to out of town, back to Abilene, for a doctor’s visit. Then some lady freakin’ fails to yield on a turnaround and wrecks into me. I am okay. I kinda freak out when I have to drive now, but I know I’ll have to get over that. Long story short, police, insurance, rental car, had to move dr appointment to next morning (thank God), and that was the worst Monday ever. I’ve talked to a billion people for insurance and my car is still sitting at the apartment, not drivable. Poor car. It’s like my driving security blanket. I have done everything in that car. I miss it. Now Sam and I have to juggle our jobs and one car. I’m so glad we work close now. Although…I want a new job.
Job is full of incompetent and lazy assholes. They took away my classroom instructor title without telling me (I found it online while I was looking for jobs, ha) and now I’m just a lowly cashier. They want us to get 25% emails, and that’s how they give us hours. Yeah, bullshit.
So anyway, doctor wants me back in a month. Sucks for hours and such, but I really need to go. I am now starting Lexapro, and I’m scared now because of the reactions I had to Effexor. He also made me give blood for the regular diabetes’ tests, a thyroid test, and a pregnancy test. And all these will come back in a week. Lexapro don’t fail me now. I want to anxiety to go away. It’s worse than the depression at this point.
I am trying to mail postcards and do pen pals to get myself out of my head. That is my way to do art and make social contact with the outside world. I only saw two friends when I went home, and it felt so good to talk to people who cared, even if it was only for ten minutes.
The kids and my family were happy to see me. Things are different now, the way I guess they should be. Levi still doesn’t understand why I moved away. I tell him I had to be an adult. I hope someday he understands I didn’t leave him because I don’t love him.
And now I have to walk to work so, I’ll probably be updating more often since I have to stay in the cafes, start bucks, and free wifi/free AC places while I wait for work. ttfn
Like usual, life gets busy and I don’t do anything I would like to, such as updating this thing. By now it’s almost too late to take down any of the events that have happened…but I can always try.
Work sucks. I hate that store more and more every time I go in. They are practically making us compete for hours, and on top of that they started hiring seasonal temporaries that will inevitably cut hours more. I am actively looking for a new job. They have stopped even scheduling me for any of the kids classes, which is what I was hired to do in the first place. Management is now a bunch of selfish people. Yup, that’s about all on that one.
We are still poor as hell but we are doing so much better. We have found a few friends and a couple places to hang out at so we aren’t stuck at the apt all the time. We just go to this game tavern that’s just opened near us. It’s fun and in public.
I’m going home tomorrow for a dr’s appointment. I’m nervous for many reasons. The drive is something I’m not really looking forward to. Seeing my family is actually making me happy. Talking to Levi makes me cry. For a four year old he sure knows how to lay the guilt on you. But I am happy I get to see them. I don’t really want to see anyone from college to be 100% truthful. Why? If they haven’t kept in contact with me in the short time I left, why the hell would I care to go out of my way to see them? This isn’t me being rude, it’s just flat honesty.
Anyway, that’s the update. Not really much to say. But I am still alive, and trying to live better.
I’m very lonely today. Work has cut my hours and that leaves me at home, to lay on my bed, with the desire to so nothing, and complain about it on here.
I just miss having real friends. I don’t do anything alone anymore, and maybe that’s just the anxiety talking. Which reminds me…
…I still haven’t started my new medication. I’m kinda scared to, to be completely honest. Side effects just make me feel helpless and not myself. It’s so scary. I wonder if these feelings will ever go away or I just have to learn to live with them day by day.
I just wish I had another art friend so we could make awesome things together.
I don’t know what it is but I’m sick and I hate it. At least I have the day off, I guess. I’m trying to keep down fluids…I’m not even hungry. I hope the medicine doesn’t do this or didn’t do this.
I hate being sick. It’s so lonely.
Played on my DS
Called my grandmother
Painting my nails
Read an obscure book by Anthony Burgess
Listen to my radio station
Start new meds…tonight. Hope they aren’t too bad side effects wise. Hope you are having a good day too. I cherish the good ones.
I hate people. This is people’s fault. I am nice and quiet at work, a yes man, hard working gal just trying to make ends meet. Never bother anyone or bitch (anywhere but here) and people are still people and suck.
I’m nice and take you in my car with my gas to get groceries and run errands because I feel like it would be a nice thing to do, meanwhile you complain how your aunt only wants to see you so she can get you to do her a favour…yet you are taking advantage of me the exact same way?
Or I try to be a happy and positive friend and you keep being relentless about how negative you are going to be.
Or I thought I had good close friends but they wind up just falling off the face of the earth cos idk! Am I not rich enough? Not mentally stable enough? Don’t want to go out and party?
Whatever the fuck is wrong with people I seem to draw towards me, just please, at least stab me in the back not facing me, at least tell me you don’t give a shit about our friendship, at least give me a heads up so I can find new people that suck less to put my time, energy, love, and care into. Thanks.
Standing outside of Barcelona on 6th street in Austin, Texas, minding my own and not really doing anything. I’m approached by a girl who definitely had her own style a awesomeness about her, just straight out tells me that I’m beautiful. She starts telling me about how people with green and blue hair are strong cos they wear their strength in their colour choice. She really made me smile. She grabbed my hands and told me I was beautiful. This makes me have more faith in human kind. Thank you, stranger. You made my night.
An email to a dear and only friend
Not meant to alarm, just to pour out my soul to someone who cares
I don’t understand myself. Why do I lie to myself everyday? I don’t know why I’m bad at selling things to people because I sell them the idea I’m happy every time they see me. Everyone thinks I’m okay. I’m not. I’m nothin near okay. My thoughts are just rancid inside my skull, and that rot is reaching into my soul and corrupting it like it has so many times before. I keep thinking, if I could just hurt myself one more time, to feel like release again, maybe it will help. And that leads me to think, why did I sign that contract? Why did I talk myself out of killing myself? So that I can make more friends and hurt more people if I went back on that promise. I hate living. Being an “adult”, having enormous amounts of debt thrown at me along with more bills, more responsibility, more things to “get used to” or understand…it just doesn’t seem worth it. What do we get? What do we get from living but negativity? Pain. Debt. Heartache. Diseases. The lost goes on. Why didn’t I do it when I ha the chance? Now I feel like I’m past the point of no return, I chose to live and die inside.
I don’t know what to do or how to think. I never, NEVER want to use my mental disorder as a crutch, but maybe if I didn’t have it I would want to live? I would be able to just go jog off my anger or paint away my sadness? Everyone says I just need sunshine or exercise or a new routine or medication or counseling or this or that. I can’t get that where I am in life right now. I need help but I don’t know where or how to even begin to ask. I have a grand total of three friends, and I don’t even like to bother you/them about any of this shit. I guess venting to you is my only outlet right now. I just want things to be okay, I just want to be a normal human being, have an okay job, pay the bills, be happy where I am. I hate my job because I constantly have to be pushy and sell shit to people that no one wants, and I barely pay bills with what I make, not to mention that I still have college to pay off, and that college degree I will be paying off til I die has about as much merit as a shit stained piece of toilet tissue. Thus, not happy. What am I suppose to do?? And then that, right there, that question cannot be answered. It’s the inevitable conundrum of a borderline personality slash depression filled individual.
I feel helpless.
Love always, Kae xxxxxxxxxxx